If you’re anything like me, you’ve been a teacher since the 70s and had sexual relationships with dozens if not hundreds of cute, tight, waifish, elfish little teenage imps… and you’ve never been caught. If you aren’t, but would like to be, let me share my dating tips for spotting the thorn among freshly opened blossoms.

First, the Don’ts:

Never ask if she’s a cop. It’s a red flag and cops are legally allowed, nay encouraged, to lie to you about it to get you to commit your crime.

Don’t go after rich kids. They may be messed up and have money to spend on you, but their dads have even more money and can hunt you to the ends of the earth if they find out, and that’s assuming it wasn’t a set up all along. Stings only go down in rich neighborhoods, remember that.

If you suspect it’s a sting, don’t say anything except: “haha.. Is this Dateline’s To Catch a Predator? Where’s Chris Hansen? I knew this was a sting… Why else would I come here? Hey, am I on TV now? This is awesome!! You’ve been punked bitches!! Hi Mom!!”

Don’t send nudes out to anyone, and don’t ask for them. If they’re sent, accept them but don’t say that you did. Nudes are trouble every time, even if it only comes up a decade later when you’re running for district board of education.

Don’t write a fake escape or alibi letter to leave in your car, or try to convince yourself there’s some way out of what you might get caught trying to do, just be cautious and don’t get into that situation instead. Alibi letters are cheap and ineffective.

Don’t bring anything she requests. In fact, if she asks you for anything at all, it’s probably a sting and you’re walking right into it. Don’t walk in, but run away.

The Do’s:

Let your new friend be the aggressor and instigator. You’ve asked for nothing and you can say so in court.

Double entendre means “double safe”. Remember the difference between suggestive and explicit. She’ll know you’re really driving at the booty in every sentence, but the jury won’t be so easily convinced. Plus undercover cops get furious when you don’t come right out and ask for what you really want.

If you get a bad vibe, even a little one, immediately quit and say you were just doing research for your great American novel. Let them know you are not interested, never were, and that they should seek professional help. Every sting has a bad vibe behind it, so rule your shaft with your brain.

Always turn your phone to “Hide Caller ID” prior to calling, and use a fake name whenever possible.

Only meet in an environment of your choosing, not hers. Cops refuse to meet you on your terms, so count that as a 50/50 odds split right there.

If she’s too hot, cute or easily persuaded to meet you, she’s a cop, every time, guaranteed. These jokers all think alike because they’re so dumb they share a single collective brain. Trust me, this is their tactic.

Whenever possible, favor the black or Hispanic children. Police are steadfast in their commitment to not protecting the children of poor and minority groups, so they make for the ideal targets. Police also never pose as minorities. We’re not saying they’re racist or anything… we’re just saying this pattern exists.

Happy hunting and ungodly Godspeed to you, good sirs and madams. I hope this advice which has served me so flawless for so many a (very) odd decade will likewise bring you health, wealth and as much underage passion as your heart can stomach.

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